Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
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Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*