Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
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My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
we’re gonna need another temp
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from