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My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.