[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
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Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Going into Monday like
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?