BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
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My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
asked my bf how work was today
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.