“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
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Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.