[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
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Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat