Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
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INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Lmao the reply
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*