why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
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Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
the battle rages on
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.