I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
You Might Also Like
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.