Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
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I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I beg your pardon?
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.