Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
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*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
a fate I wish upon no one
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks