“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
You Might Also Like
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Catering service
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.