Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
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*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
that wasn’t the question
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
My Guy
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.