just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
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[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.