[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
You Might Also Like
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
That de-escalated quickly
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok