[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
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When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑