I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
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-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.