It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
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Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant