A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
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Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair