I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
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“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐