WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
You Might Also Like
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
this is the most humiliating day of my life
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
#ProTip
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread