Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
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*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
No one :
Me when I swimming :
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.