*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
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When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then