Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
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Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now