Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
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BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all