Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
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[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
my mom making me talk to relatives
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.