Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
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Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
c’mon!
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race