Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
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I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Terribly Tuesday.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene