is there nothing we can trust anymore
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A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.