Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
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My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Every house has this drawer
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Was it something I said?
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over