All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
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It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?