When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
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Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.