Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
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The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree