[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
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You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
i would wish you the best but i am the best
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?