back to work
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After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
sry
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?