The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
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I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
is this store having a stroke wtf
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.