Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
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me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Me, flirting😏
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend