We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
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Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.