I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
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That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day