Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
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Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
how it started vs how it ended
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”