whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
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Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
They must have gotten it to go.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Has science gone too far?
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.