Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
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Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
cry laughing at this shit
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle