[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
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[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
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Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse