I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
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Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.