Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
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Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Blew out my flip flop…
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.