if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
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The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot