*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
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“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie