Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
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“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.