Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
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[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”